- WE ARE INHERENTLY PROGRAMMED FOR DIALOGUE

– Judging others is so effortless, and it is something we humans love to do.

Hedvig Montgomery has been one of Norway's most prominent and esteemed psychologists for several years. Her book series, "Parental Magic" (Foreldremagi), which traces children's development from infancy to 19 years of age, has achieved international acclaim, reaching readers in 23 countries.

In addition, she is a columnist and podcaster for Aftenposten, Norway’s biggest newspaper, and she is part owner of the practice Montgomery AS.

The office of Montgomery AS is located on the seventh floor in Bogstadveien, one of Oslo’s high streets. Up here, high above busy shoppers on the city’s westend, people come to clear up their thoughts and feelings - either with Hedvig herself, or one of her eight colleagues.

However, where she often gets the most direct and vulnerable questions, is on Instagram.

- Yesterday I received a question from a mother with two small children, a two-year-old and a six-month-old baby. She stopped breastfeeding the youngest when he was four months old. It had all become too much for her. Now she wondered if she had hurt her little boy. And this question grew so big inside her: "Have I hurt my child?", says Hedvig.

- When she writes to me - a woman she has never met - and asks "have I hurt my child?", it is because she needs to be able to say to herself "it is ok, it will turn out fine". Living with that doubt – did I hurt someone, did I make a mistake, could I have done better? - creates an unrest that is simply incredibly difficult to live with, and painful to live in.

THE NEED FOR FORGIVENESS

Av the eight principles of dialogue Of that the Nobel Peace Center has identified as the most important, there are two that stand out for Hedvig in her work as a couples and family therapist.

- For those who are struggling, only two elements are truly essential: someone who listens attentively, and forgiveness and reconciliation.

- As people, we depend on being heard and understood. In conflicts, a lack of forgiveness and reconciliation is what stops a happy life going forward - at the national level and at the group level, but also at the individual level. We need to somehow embrace what has been to be able to live with ourselves, she says.

The ability and need for dialogue is not something we learn - it is hard-wired in human behaviour from the start, says Hedvig.

- The small child is born with the ability for dialogue. After the initial weeks where it is only inside itself, it emerges. After 7-8 weeks, the gaze is suddenly fixed, there is a tiny smile, and then there is a big smile. From there onwards, the child is programmed to take turns: give a response, wait for a response, ask questions with its entire body, and wait for an answer. It is quite fascinating to see how dialogue is something that humans have in them.

Feeling understood or validated is what keeps you “on”. When experiencing the lack of these, you turn “off”, explains Hedvig.

- Anyone who has been on an awkward date can recognize it - when you don't get any response on what you contribute, you stop being interested in the person you're talking to. You turn quiet, also inside, and then you go home and think "what really happened now"?

- You can't scare someone into changing. You can't threaten someone into changing. You cannot persuade someone to change. You can only do it through understanding and providing a safe space for that person. Then you will get change.

Couples who stay together gradually grow more alike, while continuing to be curious about each other. But if you really want someone to change, love and understanding is the way to go, says the psychologist.

Living life in a whirlwind

That is not to say that every couple can - or should - stay together. Hedvig Montgomery believes that there are many destructive relationships, and that we should not stay in a relationship that is not good for us.

But there are many more good couples than we think, and more good relationships than we see in the statistics today.

Hedvig believes that we often rush into recognizing and labeling love prematurely. She suggests that it typically takes around seven months to truly understand if you are falling in love, but discovering that you have a lasting and profound love for someone can take several years. This deeper love involves uncovering and accepting the intricacies of a person beyond what is apparent on the surface, delving into their true essence "backstage" rather than merely observing the front-stage performance.

-Sometimes I think we've seen too many Hollywood movies. He meets her, there's a bit of back and forth, then they sleep with each other and eat Chinese food in bed, and then they live happily ever after. But in reality there is so much uncertainty. It takes a long time to accept the other to the extent that you have something you can build something lasting on.

Another thing we tend to forget is how much circumstance matters in a relationship.

Having small children, for example, is like living life in a whirlwind. It is extremely intense. There are always things you should have done, things you should have thought about, things you should have fixed. You can't take your eyes off a one-two-year-old at all, because they have no risk assessment skills. You can't go to the bathroom alone. You must be always “on”. Everyday is a marathon.

It is easy to think that it will always be like this. But it won't.

From decorative objects to leading roles

It's not just children's personal development that undergoes phases; society's perspective on children and childhood, as well as our parenting practices, also evolve over time.

n the 1950s and 1960s, children were often expected to be seen but not heard, with mothers typically staying at home with their children, and "inappropriate" feelings could be dismissed. Hedvig Montgomery's formative years, on the other hand, were during the 1970s, when children started to be viewed as 'small independent individuals' who were best left undisturbed to pursue their own interests.

- There is an English expression called rugrats, i.e. a baby crawling on the rug. That's where we were meant to be. During that time, there existed a somewhat romantic and tranquil idea of how children occupied themselves when they had the freedom to explore independently.

Nowadays, we understand that situations where children are left to fend for themselves don't always lead to harmony. The laissez-faire approach had its merits, but it also undeniably left many children behind and led to instances of street justice.

Around 2010, there was a shift towards a generation of children who increasingly required constant attention, praise, and support from their cheerleading parents, which became somewhat of a societal norm. This, according to Hedvig, places children in a unique predicament.

- Children aren't meant to be the main characters; they are meant to be part of a family, not the sole stars on a stage. Allowing children to take on the role of the sole protagonists goes against their natural inclinations. What they truly need is a sense of belonging, rather than being constantly in the spotlight, which can become overwhelmingly exhausting.

Nevertheless, she is optimistic that things are heading in the right direction. Through each generation's trial and error, as a society, we are gradually improving the way we communicate with and raise our children.

- We have understood a concept that is incredibly important, namely that listening to children is important in matters that concern them. We have gone from thinking that children are undeveloped, second-class citizens - even in my childhood, if an adult came into the shop, we had to let the adult go in front of us in the line, because the adult probably was in a rush to be somewhere else – to children now being considered as equals to be treated with respect.

This is how things are

Back to the mum who sent Hedvig the blunt message on Instagram. We have to endure a lot of pointing fingers and judgment on our way through life - whether it comes from ourselves or others. As Hedvig herself puts it:

- There are so few places to go to receive forgiveness.

The path to reconciliation goes through realizing that this is how it is. And every time someone says "it shouldn't be like that", they have skipped the most important point, namely: This is how it is right now. From here we can move on.